Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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