He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
