Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
