Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
