i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
