Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
