This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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