Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
