I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
