Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Randomize
