I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
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