How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
