u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
