I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Randomize
