last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
