i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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