i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
The best revenge is premature balding
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize