I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
