turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
