is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
