soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
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