I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Randomize
