There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
