I like to think it a success when the cops are called
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
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