dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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