I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
