I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
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