a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I need mimosas to revive my soul
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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