Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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