I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
