gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
