he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
