i'm lost and i look like a hooker
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
