Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
