you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
