I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Never underestimate the power of titties
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