let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
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