I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
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