Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
