You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Randomize
