So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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