Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Randomize
