I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
