If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Randomize
