that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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