After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Randomize