when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
