I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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