Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
