I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
