I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
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