he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
