How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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