I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize