The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
