First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
