You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
