It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
