i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
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