She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Randomize
