Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
