I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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