A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
he was CRYING into my vagina
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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